I really wish I would have moved here sooner. Had I known it would have saved me, I wouldn't have been so hesitant. I really hate the damage that's already been done, but I'm healing a lot quicker than I'd anticipated.
As happy as I am, sometimes I still cry for...
The fact that I am always so uneasy, and scared that this is going to be taken away from me.
The fact that my sex drive has been pretty much non-existent for a while now, because I associate it with being used.
How much time I wasted being so miserable. It's a really shitty feeling to know I enabled my own unhappiness.
How much I miss my family. This is where my heart is, but my home is where the family is. As much as I dread the idea, I'd be willing to visit Adrian again to see my family.
How bad I feel for putting the love of my life through my own emotional endeavors, as unpleasant as they've been.
That aside, my life has been pretty much perfect. I love every moment I spend with Steven. Not smoking cigarettes still gets to me from time to time, but he usually makes up for it with foot rubs and cuddles. He bought me my new sewing machine, which was pretty pricey, and he said he's never done something like that for anyone else. He said that's future wife privileges.
I love waking up next to him, he has the prettiest lips I've ever seen, tasted. I love it when he holds me at night, or rests his hand on my hip...it reassures me of the future. I love it when he makes childish pouting faces at me when I walk by him without kissing him. I love cooking for him. I love showering with him. I love holding his hand, especially where other people can see how well our hands fit, and how happy we are. I love sitting in his lap while we watch wrestling together. I love visiting his mom and sisters.
I have two beautiful boys named Ghengis Khan and Atylla. They are, so far, the two most interesting cats I've had. I call Atylla "Tyllabear". I am not sure why. It just happened. Ghengis is more fond of Steven, and Tylla is more fond of me. Which is fine because 1) Ghengis is a shoulder cat and I don't have the greatest shoulders for that and 2) Ghengis shows his affection by biting whereas Atylla just loves, cuddles and licks. I would prefer NOT to be bitten every time my cat is feeling lovey. I often wake up to Ghengis randomly trying to gnaw at the back of my head.
I don't mind what I do to make money. One day I'll probably stop, but I see no reason to right now. I'm starting to make clothing again, and am looking for local jobs, but I'm in no hurry. After I get my loans paid off (if ever) I'll probably go back to school. For now, I'm not in a rush. I'm enjoying my life far more than I ever have since puberty, and now that my depression has been stomped out, I'm not so anxious to hurry through everything. I want to take my time and savor it, too. :)